***This post will be raw. I am not seeking anything from you with this, I am merely using this post to get these thoughts out of my head.***
Well...let me just get to it. I'M DEPRESSED. My eating is out of control. All I want to do is stay in pajamas. I don't want to shower. Wearing makeup takes so much effort it is exhausting.
Tony and I talked about it a little last night and I know what this depression is attributed to....the tornado and knowing my job is coming to an end. (Sorta good news on the job though...I have been extended to July 31, so I have another month of employment than originally thought.)
I was working on my monthly budget which is done off my payroll cycle. What do I do with August? There won't be a check on August 31. How do I plan this? The OCD planner in me is about ready to explode.
We've had severe weather for the last two afternoons/evenings and are supposed to have it again today. I can't relax. I've not gone into the office all week because I don't want to drive home in a storm...and let's face it, I am scared a tornado will hit and I won't be here with my family if it does. The thought of hunkering down in the bathroom again makes my stomach twist into horrible knots.
I know I have survivors guilt. I have friends who have lost everything and my house got a little dirty.
I'm not sure how to process any of this. I guess the first step is my typing of this post. Because to be honest, I didn't realize how bad it was until I started typing. I have tears welled up in my eyes, but I don't have the strength to let them roll down my face.
I know this too shall pass and my faith is in God. I will find strength in what remains.
4 comments:
I am so sorry you are going through all this. The weather continues to be bad for ya'll and I wish it would just let up and give ya'll a break honestly. God will provide always and that is easier said then done I know. I will say extra prayers for you during these difficult days.
I understand. Please know you're not alone. I'm feeling the same thing. It'll take a long time to get over this. But you will. It's what we do.
PS Ashton looked so beautiful Sunday morning. Good job!
I know this is a hard time for you, but I also know that it WILL get better soon! God doesn't give you more than you can handle and I know great things are in store for you! I'm sure you'll find an even better job soon and all this will simply look like a little bump in the road.
I'm sorry about all of these feelings you are having. I'm with you on the guilt. I live an entire state away now and yet, it's home. It's everyone we know and love. My house was 5 1/2 hours away (so not even dirty) and yet, my heart is broken as if I lived there still. Our house that we built as newly weds and lived in until we moved to KC is gone and Aleeyah would have been a 2nd grader at Plaza Towers. It hits home...and hurts. I've been a mess these last 2 weeks and then the guilt creeps in. A friend of mine told me that its a loving and kind heart that God gave me and it isn't wrong to feel the way I do. I picture the faces of the victims and my chest hurts. These victims aren't faceless-they are our neighbors. Those are our streets. Our schools. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to ache. It's okay to cry and let those tears fall. It's the heart that God gave you. It's okay. It will take time to repair and clean up, just as it takes time to heal hearts. Sending my love and prayers home to all of you!
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