Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Eighteen Months

It is hard to believe that it has been 18 months since I had weight loss surgery. I have to admit, I wouldn't just urge someone to do this surgery. While it has been one of the best choices I could have done for myself, I don't think it should ever be entered into without thorough research, thinking and praying.

I have been hugely blessed with an amazing weight loss. I've officially lost 105 pounds...which is 12 more pounds that I wanted to lose. I hope that eventually I will gain some of those 12 pounds back, as I think this weight is a little too small for me. But at the present time, I don't have a choice in the matter. I literally eat EVERYTHING and can't gain weight. Don't get me wrong, my portions are still teenie tiny, but I have been far from strict when it comes to carbs and sweets. This will come back to "bite me in the butt" one day and I am sure I will whine to you all about it, but for now, it is what it is.

Unfortunately, my health isn't the best right now, but I strongly believe that I would still have POTS even if I hadn't had surgery and lost weight. It may not have come on as quickly without the surgery and weight loss, but in reflection on my health prior to surgery, I can see the early signs of POTS. So, to find the positive in this, I would rather be skinny and not feeling well, than fat and not feeling well.

I still have a hang up about my appearance. I don't feel like a thin person. When I am at a restaurant and I order dessert, I feel like I am being judged. Like the people around me are thinking that I don't need to be ordering dessert because I am fat. I know that makes no sense, but maybe someone reading this can relate. After having thought that about myself for years, it is just so hard to reprogram my inner dialogue.

I still haven't gone shopping to buy a new wardrobe. I am a little scared to do that. Seven years ago when I had lost weight (and then gained it back), I spent a ton of money on clothes and then couldn't fit into any of it and had to look at boxes of skinny clothes in my closet every day. So, for now, I buy a little bit here and there and only have a few pieces that I wear over and over.

Would I do it again? Heck yeah! I believe it was the right decision for me and my family. My journey is far from over, but I am happy with where I am and am so thankful that you have been here with me this entire time.


Nicole said...

you look so amazing!

Debbie said...

The important thing is that you are happy with the decision you made. You are a beautiful person (inside and out). I can understand the "fat complex". I lost over 50 pounds about 3 years ago and I still feel like people are watching what I eat as if I was still overweight. It IS difficult to buy new clothes, always thinking "What if I gain it all back?"

I think what you are experiencing is quite normal. You look terrific and if we could just get this POTS thing figured day you will FEEL terrific too!

Good luck my friend. You are in my prayers as always.

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I am married to my best friend and am the mom of two wonderful kids. I have had my ups and downs in regards to health, happiness and weight loss. This blog will tell you about all of those ups and downs and my opinion on the randomness that we call life.


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